Jeweled Crab Ornament

A crab ornament has to solve one problem immediately: crabs move sideways, and everyone treats that like a punchline the crab has never once accepted as one, not even politely. This jeweled version is hand-painted glass with faceted detailing worked across the shell and claws, built for a creature that gets where it's going by the route that makes sense to it, arriving exactly on schedule regardless of which direction the trip appeared to take. The jeweled crab has additionally decided the journey itself should look good along the way, which was never a requirement but became an option it took completely, without apology, and without slowing down. Hang this for whoever takes the scenic route on purpose and still shows up looking better dressed than everyone who went straight there instead. TIFF's red carpet has hosted less committed sparkle than this, and it has certainly, over the years, hosted considerably worse posture.